[jokes] A Few Irish Jokes - just for the start of the week

[Félix-Antoine Marchildon]

    *I**nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
    looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
    his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
    "**W**hat happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.**
    **"** **J**amie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "**T**hat little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
    "He couldn't do that to you,
    he must have had something in his hand."
    "**T**hat he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
    and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    "**W**ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    didn't you have something in your hand?"**
    **T**hat I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."*

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    **A**n Irishman who had a little too much to drink**
    **is driving home from the city one night and,
    of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.**
    **A** cop pulls him over. "**S**o," says the cop to the driver,
    where have ya been?"
    "**W**hy, I've been to the pub of course,"
    slurs the drunk.
    "**W**ell," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite** **a few
    to drink this evening."** *

     

    *"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "**D**id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
    folding his arms across his chest,** **"that a few intersections
    back, your wife fell out of your car?"**
    **"**O**h, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "**F**or a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."**


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    **B**renda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.*
    *"I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "**O**f course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    But where's my husband?"
    "**T**hat's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "**O**h, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "*
    *I** must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
    is dead and gone. I'm sorry.**
    **F**inally, she looked up at Tim.**
    **"**How did it happen, Tim?"**

    **"**I**t was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
    of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "**Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.**
    **Did he at least go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
    he got out three times to pee."**



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    **M**ary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
    his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.**
    **H**e says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"**
    **S**he says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.**
    **My husband passed away last night."**
    **T**he priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
    Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"**
    **S**he says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "**
    **S**he says, He said,
    'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'**


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    _/**/_AND_/**/_ T_/**/_HE_/**/_ B_/**/_EST_/**/_ F_/**/_OR_/**/_
    L_/**/_AST_/**


    **A** drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
    enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.**
    **T**he Priest coughs a few times to get his**
    **attention but the drunk continues to sit there.**
    **F**inally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.**
    **T**he drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
    there's no paper on this side either*